The co-main character of Against My Better Judgment is Mauzzy, a real-life miniature red dachshund with quite a lot of sass, snark, and colorful individualism. And plenty of love. Since many readers don’t have dachshunds, with Mauzzy’s approval, I thought it would be fun to delve into what dachshunds are all about by retelling some dachshund jokes I've heard over the years. While I certainly take any credit for writing these jokes, I hope that they will provide some laughter to your day and at the same time paint a picture of why we love our dachshunds.
#1
Silence is golden, unless you have a dachshund. Then it is very very scary.
#2
What do you call a dog that doesn’t bark? Certainly not a dachshund. The answer: a hush puppy.
*Cue drum and cymbal tap.
#3
Dachshund: “I don’t always bark, but when I do, it’s for nothing.”
*Side note – as I write this, guess who is barking upstairs for no apparent reason. Except to him.
#4
If you don’t remember the last time you were alone in the bathroom, you probably have a dachshund.
#5
A German shepherd, Labrador and dachshund all died and were waiting in front of God.
God asked all the dogs what they believed in.
The German shepherd sat up straight and answered, “I believe in discipline, training, and loyalty to my owner.”
“Great,” God said. “Take a seat on my left. Labrador, what do you believe in?”
The Labrador jumped up and spun in a circle. “I believe in having fun, playing all day, and loving my owner.”
“Ah,” God said, “come sit on my right side.” He looked at the dachshund. “And how about you?”
The dachshund hopped up on the throne, curled up in a little ball, and said, “I believe you’re in my seat.”
#6
Definition of a dachshund: Emotionally unstable, pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you toward utter insanity before reverting to a lovable little member of the family.
#7
A dachshund jumped up on the couch, looked outside, and turned to his twin. “It’s raining out there.”
“Looks like we’ll be peeing inside.”
#8
*This last joke is a football joke and you can insert whatever team name you want, college or professional. I chose the New York Jets because, frankly, they suck. And before anybody complains about me picking on the Jets, I am a longtime fan of The Washington Football Team but couldn’t really fit them into the joke because their “name” is too dang long.
A man walked into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog was wearing a New York Jets jersey, helmet, and was holding Jets pom-poms.
The bartender said, “Hey, no pets allowed in here. You’ll have to leave.”
The man got a concerned look. “Sir, I’m desperate. We’re both big fans. My TV is broken, and this is the only place we can watch the game.”
After securing a promise that the dog would behave and warning him if there was any trouble, they would be thrown out, the bartender relented and allowed them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game began with the Jets receiving the kickoff. They marched down field but were stopped at the 30-yard line and kicked a field goal. The dog immediately jumped up on the bar and began strutting up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender was impressed. “Wow! That dog is really amazing. What does he do if they score a touchdown?”
“I have no clue,” replied the man. “I’ve only had him for four years.”
Have a great day everyone!
B.T.